Tuesday, March 21, 2017

The trouble with the guys...

I am picturing the perfect first date: a quiet night, a lovely dinner and a stroll through the city while the couple is talking and laughing... it all is topped by the perfect first kiss in front of her door...

What a nice fairytale. The reality looks different. In reality we got tinder, lovoo and what feels like an endless amount of dating apps, that all aim on finding the fastest fuck. 

My dating disaster begins in 2015 when I got single again. I am 25, German, well-educated, digital fashion marketing manager and I don't ask for much; just a decent, intelligent nice guy. What I got on various dates was more like a never-ending freakshow... talking to my friends I realized: all girls have the same problem. We all are tortured by horrible dates and indescribable idiots, while all we want is someone, who appreciates us. 

So this is for all the ladies out there. We are all suffering and on this blog I will describe my dates. 

Man 1: The Teacher 

I will start my story about dating at my current location: Melbourne, Australia. Why and when I came here, is part of another dating story that will come up later.

When I arrived here, I wasn't sure if I really wanted to install Tinder, after all in Germany it was more like an hook-up app; and I was definitely over having casual sex. Another reason was my focus on my career and studies. I am convinced that women have every potential to be highly successful and I planned nothing less but to become a CEO of a worldwide company within the next 7 years - so no time for dating. BUT... my girl friends here encouraged me to just try it out.

And so my first tinder date story started.
I began texting with someone. 28. Sporty. Teacher. He seemed interesting and he was an english teacher for kids; how bad could he be?! I had no idea.....

We met after one week of texting at a bar a little bit outside the city. When I arrived he was already sitting at a nice table at a really nice bar: high ceilings, chandeliers and a fine wine menu. Everything looked great and also the guy looked like his pictures (you girls know: that's not always the case... and I also know how much we girls cheat on our pics... sometimes even my own mother wouldn't recognize me after photoshop did its wonders on pics... but anyway)
The first surprise got me when he stood up... he didn't look extremely tall on his pictures but he was shorter than me! For the record: I'm 1,59 cm and I didn't wear heels.... he was a dwarf... or a hobbit...
But ok, don't judge a book by its cover, after all we did text for one week and he was nice! So I gave it a chance.

We got our drinks (one chardonnay for me, a whiskey for him (it's always a little bit sexy to see a guy drink a whiskey don't you think?)) and started talking. The beginning of our conversation was really nice. We talked about Australia and in comparison to that Germany, about sports and studies. And then he turned the topic to old relationships. Personally, I think it's always a bit strange to talk about exes on a first date but ok...
"So how many relationships did you have?"
"3. Two for 2 years, one rather short, half a year. And one that's not worth mentioning."
"Oh nice. And what did all your guys have in common?"
Well... for once they all slept with me... probably not the best answer....
"Puh I don't know... I never thought of that actually..."
"Well they must have something. Everyone has a pattern."
So I started thinking. My first guy was an IT student at that time; thanks to my stalking skills and Facebook provided information, I knew that he was an IT Phd by now. My second guy...lets not talk about that (total failure, but everyone has a black sheep story I guess). Then I dated a guy, who is now doing his Phd in Medicine and my ex is doing his Phd in Economics. The pattern was clear.
"Well they all have a Phd... guess that's my pattern: Intelligent guys."
"Oh." Awkward silence....
"I'm a teacher."
Well, what should I say to that? It's nothing I can argue about...
"Ach, that's ok!"
The talk kept on going a little bit about the fact that he only had one girlfriend for a long time, our families...stuff like that, but then things got strange...
"So can I ask you a personal question?"
"Yeah sure."
Not knowing what would come now....
"Do you like to give head or get head?"
ÄHM WHAT?! Did he just really ask that? I must have had delusional ideas!
"Excuse me?"
"Well, do you like to give a blowjob or get one?"
Oh thank you for spelling it out a little clearer.... WTF?! How could any guy ask that one a first date?! I drank a big sip of wine.
"That depends I guess...."
"I like to get head."
Wow. Surprising. Really. Guys like blowjobs. Groundbreaking. -.-'
But now he wasn't stopping...
"How many guys did you have?"
"Who was the best and why?"
What was wrong with him.... I hesitated to answer... The train to crazy town was on the move...
"Well let me tell you about my last affair..."
No. Please. Someone help me.
But he kept on talking...about bad sex with a fat, drunk girl. A story every girl wants to hear during a first date...
Thank god I finished my wine fast and he visited the bathroom. The perfect time to call my uber.
"So I just got my uber.... I have to get up early tomorrow..."
"Oh sure. You could also stay at my place."
Ähm, let me think abou....NO!
"No, no I have an early class tomorrow."
Btw, college didn't start yet.

I finally made it to the uber.
During the next days, the teacher texted me a couple times... obviously I didn't answer.

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